What to start a dyalogue like this one?
to start one of your own.Jersey Shore - Inspirational or Trash?
MTV's latest blockbuster reality show follows the lives of 8 enterprising young Italian Americans who look for fame, fortune and fusilli on the Jersey Shore boardwalk one summer.
Natalee Tiffler
I find this show uplifting, and think there is something that all young people can learn from Snooki and the Situation. These young people's blemish-free tan skin, bulging muscles and bosoms, and formidable ability to put away cannoli should serve as an inspiration to any young American looking for a little direction in life.
Harry Acher
Honestly, Natalee, I don't think you can say it's *that* inspiring. I mean, did you not see Ronnie's last roidicidal rampage? Or how about Pauly D's misogynistic episode with that nice Jewish girl, Danielle. What show were you watching? I'm sorry, but it's unconscionable that you'r defending this show. And the whole pickles things is not even funny. Or, even that smell, I think.
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Natalee Tiffler
Are you kidding me? I don't think you're a Real American. You probably believe in evolution, don't you? I'm just kidding, Harry. I would never accuse you of being an evolutionist.
Ronnie's robust defense of his fiancee's honor (and Snooki's corset/Halloween costume) was nothing short of exemplary. Pauly D's ability to fend off the advances of a psychopath without the intervention of the police demonstrated maturity and class. And Snooki herself showed the world that the lowly pickle, with its high-fiber and low-fat content, is surely a snack that deserves wider recognition.
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Harry Acher
Natalee, I'll gladly furnish my blood-stained birth certificate if you have doubts regarding my Zapatista tendencies. For you Alaskans (true U.S. Americans, through and through), Zapatista is a kind of mint. Regarding evolution, the jury is still out. I mean, after watching the Jersey Shore, one would/should be filled with doubt.
Sure, point taken regarding Ronnie's valiant effort to sucker punch a poor boardwalk stroller. Why are you saying that bookish Danielle is a psychopath? Huh? Is it because she has large reading glasses? I know you find periodicals and other reading material threatening. And I mean, like, "all of them."
Just a random question, but are you in any way related to Snooki? I know you had that tanning bed in your Wasilla McMansion.
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Natalee Tiffler
I am actually not from Wasilla, but actually from nearby Buffalo Soapstone, where I am a mother of 7 lovely children and aspiring bookburner. But, yes, I'd love to see the full long-form version of your birth certificate, or I will contact Orly Taitz for further guidance.
Danielle was clearly a psychopath because she felt the need to dole out t-shirts emblazoned with juvenile slogans on them to near-perfect strangers. She was also clearly unwilling to be a mother at the age of 16, so I can only guess she lacked normal bearings and was probably practicing Satanism.
I would like to turn your attention to Vinny, the nice momma's boy. He is a perfect example of traditional values, which this country is sorely lacking these days. He is constantly fed and clothed by his mother, and returns her generosity in the form of plenty of couch-sleeping and verbal sparring with other guidos in Seaside Heights. He also leaves his salivary legacy in the mouths of thousands of nice young girls who have the sense to dye their hair jet black and spray paint their skin orange before setting out in public.
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Harry Acher
First off, are you referring to the "Situation?" By that I mean the situation between "The Situation," Vinny and a jet-black haired, orange-colored third party (female) whereby Vinny (as you say a Mama's boy) deposited salivary effluvia into the third party's mouth before the Situation inhaled the aforementioned effluvia via the same orifice. If we are on the same page regarding the situation (no quotes), let me just say that I don't find this behavior commendable in the least. Vinny is no better or no worse than the rest of the trashbags in that sad Seaside Heights beach house.
Now if you want to talk about upstanding citizens, I look no further than the generous, charmingly assertive, bookish Danielle. I can see why you have personal gripes against her, but you need to step away. I mean, "YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!" You need to see Danielle for what she is. It is what it is.
Wait, what? You're not from Wasilla? I'm so sorry, I totally thought you were someone else. I'd love to hear your thoughts on Sarah's new memoir. How does one burn a Kindle?
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Natalee Tiffler
Yes, I was talking about that situation with the Situation, which turned out to be a most unfortunate situation for all parties involved. Two perfectly upstanding young men got in a heated exchange over nothing, while an orange trashbag had to deal with far too much saliva for her own good.
As for Danielle, I think she is what she is: a bespectacled girl, proud of her faith, and more than a little scary. She reminds me, in that way, of someone I know. Can't quite put my finger on it right now.
Let's turn back to Snooki, who I consider a gem. This little darling ingratiated herself with her new roommates within minutes of arriving at the manse by disrobing in a hot tub and aggressively trying to make out with them. She was simply reminding her fellow young people that their duty in life is to procreate early and often. If we can't impress on young women that they are simply baby-making machines in God's eyes, whatever can we hope for?
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Harry Acher
Now, Natalee, have you not seen the Jersey Shore Reunion situation? I think that will clear up, once and for all, who is an upstanding citizen and who is not. Once, again, I'm right and it turns out that Danielle is a dedicated and a committed friend. She follows Pauly all over the country to his spinning gigs (invited or not). Who doesn't love that in a girl/future wife? If only Snooki could pick her man and actually commit. Oh wait, she's too busy lacing up her fluorescent pink birthday cake suit.
I couldn't agree with you more about women being here on this earth soley to be "baby-making machines," but shall we apply an ounce of "natural" selectivity to who is entitled to breed? Oh wait, you haven't lived by that dictum youself, have you? I agree that Snooki could create some unusual-looking orange gymnists, but there are too many of those anyway and what this world needs is a Tiger Woods replacement.
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Natalee Tiffler
I did not see the Jersey Shore Reunion. Or rather, I did. Or maybe I saw it but didn't hear it. Is that possible? With 7 children to take care of and my campaign to become head librarian (bookburner) in Buffalo Soapstone, it's hard to keep everything straight anymore.
Snooki is indeed a bizarre little long-haired pumpkin. She seemed to have vacillated between wanting to have a meaningless hookup and marrying the man of her dreams every night she was in Seaside Heights. Maybe it was all those pickles? They might have mercury in them, you know. Again, another opportunity for Snooki to uplift us: she could be the posterchild to warn us of the dangers of eating fermented vegetables laced with heavy metal residues.
Snooki's partner in crime, the Situation, also reminded us all of the dangers of dehydration (from too much time in tanning booths and near laundromat dryers): you might be drawn to the soothing waters of a hot tub and end up doing the unspeakable with some of your housemates. The Situation reminds us that we can all be too human.
At any rate, I'm off to rassle up some dinner (I wanted to test out my new bow and arrow, but will probably just use my shotgun), but I want to warmly thank you for an inspiring dyalogue, one almost an inspiring as the landmark show we've discussed together.
Toodles!
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Harry Acher
Natalee, it was a real pleasure discussing with you the relative merits of Jersey Shore. I think we have more in common than you can imagine.
For the very reason that you can't even remember how many kids you have or whether or not you've seen the Jersey Shore Reunion, I personally had my wife's tubes tied the other day. Life gets too complicated when one is reproducing incessantly. As to the bow and arrow for hunting down your food, have you considered an air gun? It's much more fun and *painless.*
I hear now that the Situation commands about $7500 per appearance at Lion's club meetings? Can you imagine what one could do with all that money? I aspire to have my children G-T-L and maybe creatine everyday (who needs to save for college?) If my son, Pinochio can one day get on MTV's Jersey Shore by following this simple, yet admirable routine, there is a god.
Peace out!
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